Monday, May 02, 2005
Culture: On Being an Un-gay Gay Man
I think the most confusing thing about being and becoming a gay man was what it was supposed to mean to "be a gay man." What is a gay man? What kinds of attitudes should he express? What kinds of beliefs should he hold? What kind of lifestyle should he lead?
If you are a gay activist living in the gay ghetto of some large, metropolitan area, then there are ready-made responses to these questions. Let's see if I can rattle them off:
- A gay man should have as much more sex with many more partners than any straight man. Sexual freedom without consequences is part of being gay.
- A gay man should be liberal in all ways that mainstream liberals say is appropriate. Only liberals will stand up for gay rights.
- A gay man should talk, walk, and act in a "gay" way at all times. If a gay man "acts straight" then he isn't gay because he actively hides his sexuality of which he should be militantly proud (read: elitist).
- A gay man should be proud (read: elitist) to the point of being insulting about being gay. Any discomfort that straight people feel about this is evidential of the fact that they're gay-bashing bigots.
- A gay man should live among other gay men and eschew straight society.
- A gay man should eschew anything that looks like marriage (such as having children or having successful, long-term relationships), which is for straights. Circuit parties are much more respectable than marriage is.
- A gay man should always know his "HIV status" and should get "tested for HIV" religously. A gay man's "HIV status" is the keystone of his gay identity.
When I finally accepted that I was gay, when I was 20 years old, I started to meet other gay men. In talking to them, I was eventually exposed to all of the ideas above and felt disgusted by it. I thought, "Is this what being "gay" has to be? Is this all I have to look up to?" When I came out to my mother she asked if I was sad about not being able to have children. Even my mother, a straight person who loves me very much, was subject to the bankrupt ideas about what "being gay" was supposed to mean. I answer her question without thinking twice, "I can always adopt." Lo and behold, I am a gay adoptive parent now. Don't misunderstand me: every gay man to whom we've talked has expressed happiness and admiration that we became gay adoptive parents. This ties into the point I'm trying to make.
I think that there are many gay men who, like me, reject some or all of the notions about being gay that are upheld by self-styled "gay activists." They want to have lives where they can succeed and florish. They want to have lives that integrate with those of straight people. They're not interested in obsessive grooming, unrelenting self-indulgence, and hateful Leftist politics. They're open to healthy relationships and parenting. And I think that this type of gay man represents the majority of gay men. I also think that this gay man is quiet about his desires becuase he wants to avoid the vicious attacks from "gay activists" that such attitudes invite. I don't mind that "gay activists" speak for the circuit-party crowd, but I think it's time for a gay man to step forward and speak for the rest of us, which I think is becoming the majority of gay men: Un-gay Gay men.
If you are a gay activist living in the gay ghetto of some large, metropolitan area, then there are ready-made responses to these questions. Let's see if I can rattle them off:
- A gay man should have as much more sex with many more partners than any straight man. Sexual freedom without consequences is part of being gay.
- A gay man should be liberal in all ways that mainstream liberals say is appropriate. Only liberals will stand up for gay rights.
- A gay man should talk, walk, and act in a "gay" way at all times. If a gay man "acts straight" then he isn't gay because he actively hides his sexuality of which he should be militantly proud (read: elitist).
- A gay man should be proud (read: elitist) to the point of being insulting about being gay. Any discomfort that straight people feel about this is evidential of the fact that they're gay-bashing bigots.
- A gay man should live among other gay men and eschew straight society.
- A gay man should eschew anything that looks like marriage (such as having children or having successful, long-term relationships), which is for straights. Circuit parties are much more respectable than marriage is.
- A gay man should always know his "HIV status" and should get "tested for HIV" religously. A gay man's "HIV status" is the keystone of his gay identity.
When I finally accepted that I was gay, when I was 20 years old, I started to meet other gay men. In talking to them, I was eventually exposed to all of the ideas above and felt disgusted by it. I thought, "Is this what being "gay" has to be? Is this all I have to look up to?" When I came out to my mother she asked if I was sad about not being able to have children. Even my mother, a straight person who loves me very much, was subject to the bankrupt ideas about what "being gay" was supposed to mean. I answer her question without thinking twice, "I can always adopt." Lo and behold, I am a gay adoptive parent now. Don't misunderstand me: every gay man to whom we've talked has expressed happiness and admiration that we became gay adoptive parents. This ties into the point I'm trying to make.
I think that there are many gay men who, like me, reject some or all of the notions about being gay that are upheld by self-styled "gay activists." They want to have lives where they can succeed and florish. They want to have lives that integrate with those of straight people. They're not interested in obsessive grooming, unrelenting self-indulgence, and hateful Leftist politics. They're open to healthy relationships and parenting. And I think that this type of gay man represents the majority of gay men. I also think that this gay man is quiet about his desires becuase he wants to avoid the vicious attacks from "gay activists" that such attitudes invite. I don't mind that "gay activists" speak for the circuit-party crowd, but I think it's time for a gay man to step forward and speak for the rest of us, which I think is becoming the majority of gay men: Un-gay Gay men.
